lost in the dark

Don't you hate it when you've got a great story brewing, you're riding that perpetual wave of creation and everything is fitting into place nicely, then BAM! - you meet your antagonist - and you freeze!

That's my problem at the moment!  I have such a clear picture of what I want to get across with this guy, but I just can't find his voice.  He's got me stumped!

Now, I think I know why this is, and I suspect many of you have had this problem with a character at one time or another, too.  I believe it's because I haven't found anything about him that I can relate to yet.

When I'm developing characters, without doubt, a part of me is firmly implanted into them.  I have a connection with them.  It's just enough that I know how they will deal with situations I put them in, and I hear their voice like it's an extension of my own. I totally get them.

This guy is MEAN.  He's VICIOUS.  He's SADISTIC. He's pure EVIL!  And right now, I just don't know how to write him - because I'm too nice! 

Firstly, I can't find a point of reference at this stage.  I'm delving. I mean, I'm no angel, of course I have a dark side.  I just have to channel it!

Secondly, and probably more importantly, I'm protecting my protagonist!

Are you guilty of that?  I'm beginning to see just how much I do it, and it's a problem.  She should be screaming for me to give her a break.  Begging me to write him out!  I should be having so much fun with this guy that I can't stop.  So why aren't I?

Because I put part of myself into my characters, and no matter how minuscule that part is, it's there.  I fear what I may discover about myself! 

You see, I've been raised to be a "good girl".  What will people think when this guy, who is probably one of the juiciest characters I've ever had, starts weaving his web of manipulation and deceit, and unleashing his venomous wrath on anyone that gets in his way?  Well, I hope they'll think - wow, this guy is a psycho and I HAVE to get this part - lol!  But what I fear they'll be thinking is - my God, this woman is a psycho!

There is my problem!  An old, buried "issue" that I must face, again.  I don't care what people think of me half as much as I used to, but it rears its ugly head once in a while.  I know what I have to do.  It shouldn't be difficult.  In fact I should be having a blast.  But honestly, it scares the hell out of me!  Why?  Because I feel like a psycho just having the thoughts, let alone writing them down, and I'm not comfortable with that!  

This is something I'm determined to overcome.  I WILL overcome. I'm learning to step out of this bubble of comfort faster every time, and it's making me stronger and more confident each time I do, but I can see why men tend to write this genre more than women. I won't let that stop me though.  In fact I will use it as my motivation to succeed.  I will face this fear head-on and explore this guy to the full.  I will find that psychotic voice, and I will embrace it.  I will face the fear of getting lost in the dark...

"Fear is never a reason for quitting: it is only an excuse."

- Norman Vincent Peale

That's right - Feel the fear, and do it anyway!

So, come on, get your antagonist out and we'll see what we're made of.  No more meek and mild. Let's have some fun.  Let's take that step, hell let's just leap straight into - the dark side!

Happy writing ;)

Emma 

BTW - I'll make this a two-part post.  Once I work out my antag, I'll share with you how I did it, and share any genius wisdom that's been given to me along the way. 

song of the day

Bad - U2

Just felt like listening to some U2 today.  This is one of my favs, and always good if you're feeling philosophical.  Enjoy.

Happy writing
;) Emma

word of the day

Parlous - (par-lus) adjective an old-fashioned word meaning dangerous or very bad.

be brave, stand out

How cute is this photo?  I love the symbolism of individuality.

I am constantly encouraging my children to be who they are in their hearts, and not who they think the world wants them to be.

Now in my mid-thirties, I've had to learn this lesson numerous times and like all lessons - it's been difficult at times.  Finally though, I don't give a damn about what others think or try following the crowd anymore.  I am me, and no-one else ever will be!  This way of approach has made my life more exciting and amazing by discovering every day more about myself and who I am and giving me a freedom and piece of mind that I never believed existed.

As a kid I always wanted to blend in, children often do.  They follow the crowd and play it safe.  Being a child immigrant was tough.  I stood out like a sore thumb at school, so I quickly made it my mission not to, until eventually I was invisible.

As time went on my little safe haven of invisible bliss turned into an isolated hell.  In my heart I wanted to do things, but they would make me stand out.  Audition for the school play.  Sing in the choir.  Recite my own poems.  I had become so shy that I just couldn't.  I missed a lot of life between the ages of 10 and 16.  Six years of missed opportunity, fun and laughter, and above all - experience.

Life is all about experiences.  When it's all done and dusted what have you got but love and memories?

I made a bucket list a few years ago, forcing myself to face my fears.  It's such a liberating thing to do, I highly recommend it.  I am gradually working my way through it, doing the things I've always wanted to do.  Yes, I'm still shy, but the desire to experience the fullness of life is more important to me these days that I'm willing to feel the fear, and do it anyway.  I don't want to miss a thing!

Surprisingly my confidence is now overtaking my shyness, and I feel more empowered than ever before.  I'm not so worried about falling flat on my face these days.  I know I'll get back up, and the embarrassment may last all of a day. 

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do."

- Olin Miller

How about you?  Do you avoid doing things because you worry what others will think?  What do you wish you'd been brave enough to do as a kid?  Or an adult for that matter.  What is written on your heart that is yet to manifest as an amazing experience?

As writers, experiences are our pot of gold, a well of inspiration.  Write from a place of honesty and connection.  Sprinkle the emotion you've felt when experiencing those things into your work.  We all have them, even me sitting there in my unseen cave most lunch breaks.  My experience was observing others, studying what made them tick, building on my imagination and knowing what isolation feels like. Of course I've had a fair ground of experiences since then, full of emotional highs and lows, but all rich with inspiration, wisdom and growth. Good or bad use your life and celebrate all your experiences.  They have got you to where you are now.

Happy writing ;)
Emma 

song of the day

Born This Way - Lady Gaga

Here's something upbeat and catchy for today. 

Love her or hate her, you've got to admit that celebrating individuality is always a good thing. We were not born to be carbon cut-outs of each other. 

Lady Gaga is doing for this generation, what Madonna did for the last.  Be strong.  Be bold. Be who you are. Be the exception, not the rule.

Happy writing ;)

Emma 

word of the day

Malinger - (ma-ling-ga) verb to pretend to be ill, especially in order to escape work, etc.