journaling

I've kept a journal since I was nine-years-old.  Over the years the reasons for doing so have changed and the consistency has grown but it is something that, as a writer, I find I need.

Writing is how I process things.  It is how I assemble the random thoughts that continually bombard my brain and how, if I'm lucky, I come up with new ideas. 

When I first started all those years ago, it was a verbatim log of my day, hour by hour.  As I got older it became my deepest, and more often than not, darkest, thoughts that I was too afraid to share.  All my teenage angst flooded out onto the page, along with bucket loads of tears but it freed my heart and eased my mind, and that was worth the pain of seeing those thoughts on the page.  Often, once I had it down, the drama would subside and reality would step in, usually causing me to see the truth.  Life wasn't so bad after all.

As I became an adult the emotional content grew.  As I discovered true love and all that that entailed my writing became a deeper discovery of who I am and my reason for being.  A soul-searcher's log book.

Then when I entered motherhood something happened.  My journaling took a turn I hadn't expected.  It became a verbatim log, hour by hour again.  This I hadn't been prepared for.  I didn't have the time to pour out my heart, I just knew it was important to write the moments so I didn't forget them.  As my children grew, and the worries of motherhood did too, my journaling took on another familiar phase - angst.  Was there a cycle to this I wondered, as the tears splashed out onto the page once more?

A few more years and yes, I was back to the emotionally charged, love of life entries, where my passion for everything was evident, as was the deep desire to know myself again.

It turns out life is a constant cycle of change, but when you pay attention, you realise that you've been there before.  Different circumstances of course but same emotions, same reactions and usually the same outcome.  Unless of course you pay attention and make a conscious choice to deal with things differently.

Journaling has afforded me a way of learning from life.  Using my past to make my present a happier, healthier one.  We all go through tough times, that's life, but the drama that used to seem to follow me around has gone.  I am now able to channel that into my creativity as opposed to my reality and by all accounts, am better for it.

Looking back over my journals is a strange experience.  Some of them unfortunately didn't make it.  The thought of anyone coming across them and knowing my deepest thoughts used to scare the hell out of me and so a lot of my teen years went up in smoke one night when I was feeling vulnerable.  But for the most part, they've survived, as I have, and serve as a key to another world, long forgotten.

The one thing I've enjoyed seeing, even more than what life used to be like, is how my writing style has evolved and how, as I've become more comfortable with who I am, a raw honesty has emerged, a fearlessness that surprises me.  I'm not afraid of life anymore.  I look forward to the challenges as much as the peaceful, happy times.  I know now, that through those challenges will come a growth that only they can deliver.

If you have never kept a journal, give it a try.  Opening your heart completely, allowing your vulnerability out onto the page, will enhance your creative writing ten-fold.  When you allow that wall to crumble, and you feel safe to fully express yourself, then great stories will emerge with perhaps that missing element you haven't been able to find.

Happy writing ;)
Emma